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Through the stories of kids and parents in the middle school trenches, a New York Times bestselling author reveals why these years are so painful, how parents unwittingly make them worse, and what we all need to do to grow up.

“Judith Warner brilliantly challenges the assumption that middle school has to be a chalkboard jungle.”—Peggy Orenstein, author of Boys & Sex and Girls & Sex


The French have a name for the uniquely hellish years between elementary school and high school: l’âge ingrat, or “the ugly age.” Characterized by a perfect storm of developmental changes—physical, psychological, and social—the middle school years are a time of great distress for children and parents alike, marked by hurt, isolation, exclusion, competition, anxiety, and often outright cruelty. Some of this is inevitable; there are intrinsic challenges to early adolescence. But these years are harder than they need to be, and Judith Warner believes that adults are complicit.

With deep insight and compassion, Warner walks us through a new understanding of the role that middle school plays in all our lives. She argues that today’s helicopter parents are overly concerned with status and achievement—in some ways a residual effect of their own middle school experiences—and that this worsens the self-consciousness, self-absorption, and social “sorting” so typical of early adolescence. 

Tracing a century of research on middle childhood and bringing together the voices of social scientists, psychologists, educators, and parents, Warner’s book shows how adults can be moral role models for children, making them more empathetic, caring, and resilient. She encourages us to start treating middle schoolers as the complex people they are, holding them to high standards of kindness, and helping them see one another as more than “jocks and mean girls, nerds and sluts.”

Part cultural critique and part call to action, this essential book unpacks one of life’s most formative periods and shows how we can help our children not only survive it but thrive.

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𝐈𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐝𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭â" 𝐎𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐞𝐬. ð"𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞. 𝐈𝐭 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐭. 𝐀𝐥𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐚. 𝐈𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐞𝐧𝐣𝐨𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠. ð"𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞. 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤â" 𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞. 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐝 WorkingPDF And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School , 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞. ð"𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐯𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐩𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐌𝐨𝐭𝐨𝐫 𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐄𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐃𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐧𝐮𝐚𝐥 𝟏𝟗𝟗𝟖-𝟐𝟎𝟎𝟏: 𝐈𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐬 𝐋𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 ð"𝐫𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐬, 𝐀𝐜𝐮𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐮. ð"𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝 𝐢𝐭. ð'𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐮𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞. ð"𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐚 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐞.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤, 𝐢 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐝𝐟, 𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐳𝐨𝐧 𝐝𝐱, 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝, 𝐭𝐱𝐭, 𝐩𝐩𝐭, 𝐫𝐚𝐫 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐳𝐢𝐩. ð"𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐥𝐞𝐝𝐠𝐞. 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐝 WorkingPDF And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School ,. ð"𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞. ð"𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐭 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝. 𝐈𝐭 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤. ð"𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤. 𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤. ð"𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐨𝐝. ð'𝐨, 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐃𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐝 And Then They Stopped Talking to Me: Making Sense of Middle School , 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐞𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞. ð"𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐨.

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